When I started this blog, I needed to put an “about me” page. So on January 2nd, I simply placed the first thing that came to mind, “I eat cheeseburgers. A lot.”
I liked it then and I still do. I didn’t go all grandiose. Plus, it was heck’a honest.
I’m not very proud to say it, but I have a pretty bland palette. In one of my better bachelor moments, for a few weeks, every Monday, I would go to Church’s Chicken and order a 20-piece chicken thing. I had breakfast, lunch and dinner for at least two days straight if not three.
Nowadays, I eat at least three cheeseburgers a week. I love ’em. A red meat sandwich with cheese and a salad (lettuce) all in one. Can’t beat it. So all though I don’t know squat about food and fine dining, I consider myself a connoisseur (aw, shit, fancy French word) of the King of Foods. So it kills me when folks say In-N-Out is good. It’s not. It’s shite.
The real reason you hear people say “Oh man, In-N-Out is the best! They just opened one? Where? Aw shit! ROAD TRIP!” is because these people know two-shits about a decent burger.
Two of the greatest sites ever created are Stuff White People Like and Look At This Fucking Hipster (more on the dreaded hipster in a later post.) All though totally different in how they convey their message, their target is the same thing that all Americans across all races and political affiliations hate; spoiled, out of touch, left-leaning white people. I could save them so much time if they would just wear a shirt that said “I’M EMBARRASSED MY PARENTS HAVE MONEY”. Anyways, back to those vile burgers…
These pretentious few are the one’s that love those wretched things. Unfortunately, they have also suckered some of their normal friends into thinking those things are good.
The best burgers on earth like McDonald’s or McDonald’s they can’t touch. Why? Well the aforementioned STWL has some very good primers. It’s not natural. It’s not organic. It’s not stupid. So when these delicious deprived individuals get a small hint of greasy, fleshy Americana, they have a mouth-gasim. If I ate piles of horse shit all day, like they do, I guess an In-N-Out burger might taste good too.
“It has a secret menu with a vegetarian option!” Well I have a fist with a punch-you-in-the-face option.
So In-N-Out fans, do the rest of us a favor. Go to Mickey D’s, grab a number whatever, super-size the shit out of it and shut the fuck up.